I have actually been asked all of the following questions. It's depressing really, a lot ALL of these questions should never be asked to twins! We always get these questions!
These answer may be a bit blunt and sarcastic but we show no mercy to the naive and ignorant.

Are you twins?
What?? What's it LOOK like! We're standing right next to each...we look alike..no..we're not twins? We're just cousins.

Are you identical or fraternal?
Everyone askes this little question. For some reason twins have to be classified in on of these two groups. Whats worse is that the asker likely doesn't even know the difference..and just to clear it up? Appearance isn't a reliable guide to determine whether twins are identical.

Which one is older?
Does it really matter? Birthorder isn't relevent to twins.

Which one is the good one?
Uhm...What? This one is near the top of my Dumb Twin Question List.

Which one is the smart one?
Yes, I've truly been asked this question. The askers were all serious about the answer, I'll just tell you that this is beyond stupidity.

How do you tell them apart?
My mom is always asked this question. Her most common responses? They're my children? or They don't look anything alike and even -- They're two different people. Good job Mom!

How come your names don't match?
Why do people seem to think twin names should match! It's so tacky(SO TAACKY!!) to name your twins matching names. If our names matched I'd change my name in a heartbeat. Luckily, my mom had enough sense to name us unrelated names simply because she liked them...not because they match. Yay for individuality!

Do you have your own language?
No?

Where you born on the same day?
Geez, people. Actually conversation below
Me, Meghan and this random person are at school, randomly doing random things
Person: When's your guys' birthday?
Me:(answering for the both of us.) May 19th...
Person: When's Meghan's?
We look at eachother..
Meg: We'll we're twins..
Person: So you have the same birthday?
Me: Yea..?

Yea, we know about the rare cases where twins are born at like midnight or whatever, but what's the likelihood? Please just assume all twins are born on the same day to avoid sounding like an idiot.

Can you feel what your twin feels?
No? Are we some sort of telepathic freaks??

Are you telepathic?
.......maybe? And maybe I'm also a unicorn...